25 Movies in 5 Days

Leading up to and including New Year's Day, my wife (aka "the girl") and I got a nice five-day weekend (Friday, 28 December to Tuesday, 1 January) that we used to watch as many movies as possible. We were able to catch up on a lot of stuff from 2011 and 2012, as we didn't get out to the theater as much as we had hoped during that time (work and whatnot kept getting in the way).

Below are mini-reviews of the 25 movies we watched, in chronological order of their being watched, followed by the top 5 of the weekend (by special request).

Of special note, almost all of these movies are based on a previously published text of some sort, whether that be a book, a comic book, a television show, or a movie (remake or sequel). Are these just the movies that we as consumers choose to watch (we know the source material and have a reasonable expectation of liking the movie based on it), so the  movie industry makes movies catering to us; or, is the movie industry making movies like this, and we have no choice but to watch them because there's not much else? I suspect the former is truer than the latter.

Wreck-It Ralph (2012), dir. Rich Moore; writ. Phil Johnston and Jennifer Lee

We actually caught this at the theater on Thursday night (while not technically part of the five-day weekend, still counts as it kicked off the festivities), and it was the most fun I'd had watching a movie in a long time. This was pure enjoyment with various video game references and easter eggs, but it had the bonus of having a fantastic story and excellent animation. Even more of a bonus, there was a short animation before the main feature, Paperman, about a luckless office worker who manages to meet the girl of his dreams because of some pretty awesome paper airplanes. Disney is learning from Pixar's playbook, and it's super great that they are. 

Men in Black 3 (2012), dir Barry Sonnenfeld, writ. Etan Cohen

Not as good as the original, but still pretty enjoyable, especially for Josh Brolin's hour-and-a-half-plus impersonation of Tommy Lee Jones. Also, I thought the villain was Tim Curry under a bunch of make-up, but no! It was Jermaine Clement, one half of Flight of the Conchords!

Taken 2 (2012), dir. Olivier Megaton, writ. Luc Besson and Robert Mark Kamen

Liam Neeson's second outing as an ex-CIA operative who's killing Serbians for messing with his family. Smarter than most stupid action movies, but there probably shouldn't be a third (will they kidnap his dog next?). 

Resident Evil: Retribution (2012), dir. Paul W.S. Anderson, writ. Paul W.S. Anderson

Terrible, awful, no good, horrible. The worst movie of the year by far. Later I will talk about movies being so bad, they're actually kind of good. This one was so bad, it was still bad. We will nevertheless see the sixth Resident Evil movie because the girl has a soft spot for Milla Jovovich killing mutated zombies. I will admit watching some dudes (I think one of them was supposed to be Leon Kennedy, from the video games) kill a bunch of Soviet zombies was kind of fun. Take that Stalin! Even your mutated zombie soldiers fall under the might of American democracy! Or whatever! 

The Road (2009), dir. John Hillcoat, writ. Joe Penhall

Depressing as Hell (though the girl says the novel is much, much more depressing), this movie has the exact same issue as Miyazaki's Grave of the Fireflies: it's really good, but you need a Totoro washer afterwards so you don't slit your wrists. Viggo Mortensen is, of course, phenomenal, but I really wanted to smack that kid in the mouth. Why is it all kids and teenagers in every kind of apocalypse are obnoxious brats who clearly have no sense of the horrible, horrible danger they're in at all times? Is it because they've been living in this apocalypse their whole life and so it's just normal to them? Hurm, this bears exploring in a separate post, I think... 

Looper (2012), dir. Rian Johnson, writ. Rian Johnson

Not strictly speaking a Totoro washer, this still kept me from slitting my wrists. Rian Johnson's incredibly inventive use of time travel is pretty dang great, even if it leaves more questions than answers (being a sci-fi nerd, I wanted to know how it is space-time isn't totally fucked up, but that's a different movie). That sci-fi aspect is blended seamlessly with noir for a fantastic movie of both special and moral relativity: there are no good time travelers in this movie; just less terrible ones. Also, Kimberly Amacker's make-up department did a fantastic job of making Joseph Gordon-Levitt look like a young Bruce Willis. 

The Bourne Legacy (2012), dir. Tony Gilroy, writ. Tony Gilroy and Dan Gilroy

I expected more from Tony Gilroy, especially after his initial forays into directing with Michael Clayton and Duplicity. This one just isn't as smart as his first two, unfortunately. It isn't even as smart as the first three Bourne movies, which Gilroy also wrote. It's just a stupid action movie, which in and of itself isn't a bad thing (I rather enjoy stupid action movies), but I expected a lot more from Gilroy. 

Total Recall (2012), dir. Len Wiseman, writ. Kurt Wimmer and Mark Bomback

I was really hoping that Colin Farrel would bust out his ridiculous Irish brogue to match Arnold's ridiculous Austrian accent in the original, but alas, they decided to play it straight. Not as good as the original, as it's made quite clear early on whether or not it's recall screwing with his brain (the original was a bit more  mysterious on that front). 

The Cabin in the Woods (2011), dir. Drew Goddard, writ. Joss Whedon and Drew Goddard

Wow! This was really good! I'm not usually a fan of horror movies because they scare the beejeezus out of me (I did not sleep properly for a month after watching The Blair Witch Project, and Paranormal Activity still keeps me up some nights), but this wasn't a straight up horror flick, and so didn't scare the beejeezus out of me (well, it did at first, but no nightmares, whoo!). I don't want to ruin it for people who haven't seen it yet, but the premise is pretty dang spectacular, and the payoff is fantastic, if a little misguided. 

Safety Not Guaranteed (2012), dir. Colin Trevorrow, writ. Derek Connolly

A romantic comedy wrapped in a time-travel blanket, this was funnier than most romantic comedies. Plus, it starred Aubrey Plaza, and you can never go wrong with Aubrey Plaza (I assume she plays herself all the time, which is just dandy). Also, I loved the character of Arnau (Karan Soni). 

Dredd (2012), dir. Pete Travis, writ. Alex Garland

A straight-up stupid action movie. Highly enjoyable, especially as Karl Urban spent the entire movie with a perpetual scowl on his mouth, which must have hurt after awhile. I assume he was scowling with the rest of his face as well, but he was wearing his helmet the entire movie, so I can only be certain of his mouth. 

Killer Elite (2011), dir. Gary McKendry, writ. Matt Sherring

A spy vs. spy-type movie (though technically no one's a spy) starring Jason Statham, Clive Owen, and Robert De Niro. Based on a book by Ranulph Fiennes, which itself is apparently based on actual events, this movie is about mercs taking a job to kill three SAS soldiers who were contracted to murder the sons of an Arab sheik. The British government gets involved, as does a group of former SAS members called the Feathermen. Pretty fun, but they spend an awful lot of time trying to convince us that these men who kill for a living are actually good guys. 

Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy (2011), dir. Tomas Alfredson, writ. Bridget O'Connor and Peter Straughan

At first I thought this movie was very oddly paced, but then I realized that's just how it rolls. This actually is a spy vs. spy movie, which means very few guns are going to be fired, but it's super smart and if you don't pay attention, you're gonna miss something. I will say nothing about plot so as not to ruin the mystery, but watching Commissioner Gordon and Sherlock (Gary Oldman and Benedict Cumberbatch) work a case together is pretty great. 

We Need to Talk About Kevin (2011), dir. Lynne Ramsay, writ. Lynne Ramsay and Rory Kinnear

Another rather depressing movie (though not as depressing as The Road), this movie is all about why some kids grow up to shoot up their schools. It's left fairly vague as to whether or not these kinds of kids are born "evil," or if they become "evil" due to bad parenting, but the girl says the book is told from the mother's point of view, so it's pretty firmly in the corner of kids are born "evil" (I apologize for the quotes, but it's the only word I could think of to encapsulate the rather large range of motivations and emotions behind such an act without this becoming a treatise on what is evil, or somehow excusing this appalling behavior). Tilda Swinton is, of course, great, like she always is, as the mother of the child in question, both before and after the shooting. 

The Grey (2011), dir. Joe Carnahan, writ. Joe Carnahan and Ian Mackenzie Jeffers

So this movie was totally not what we expected (the first of three such films). I was expecting another stupid action movie starring Liam Neeson, and the girl was expecting werewolves. Clearly, neither of us read the synopsis properly. This movie is actually about seven men trying to survive in the Alaskan wilderness while being hunted by a pack of wolves after their plane goes down. Quite a good movie (Dermot Mulroney, I did not know you had this kind of range in you), and way better than what I thought it was going to be. 

Fast Five (2011), dir. Justin Lin, writ. Chris Morgan

Yay! I finally got to watch the latest Fast and Furious movie! Featuring the F&F all-stars from all the previous movies, and now with more Rock! There's not much to say here, as this movie kind of epitomizes the stupid action movie, but I'm always wowed by the new ways these guys think up to still make car chase sequences interesting. Can't wait for number six, with a resurrected Michelle Rodriguez! 

21 Jump Street (2012), dir. Phil Lord and Chris Miller, writ. Michael Bacall

The second movie that was totally not what we were expecting. This was super hilarious! A friend of mine watched this ages ago, and told me how hilarious this was, and I said (quoted verbatim): "I disbelieve. I bet this movie is actually terrible and you don't want to be the only idiot that watched it." I was totally wrong. Yes, they used the premise of the original show, but they turned it on its head, and made it way better (let's be honest: I loved the 21 Jump Street TV show, but it clearly took itself way too seriously). 

Seeking a Friend for the End of the World (2012), dir. Lorene Scafaria, writ. Lorene Scafaria

The third and last movie that was totally not what we were expecting. We were expecting a romantic comedy about finding love right before the world ends. Instead, it turned out kind of sad. Steve Carell is quite subdued in this movie (I preferred him in Date Night and Crazy, Stupid, Love.) and Keira Knightley is not a good pixie girl (apparently, this is a thing: the crazy, quirky, young girl that comes into the life of a fairly mundane middle-aged man and turns it completely upside-down and for the better; she sucks at this thing and her name is harder to spell than I thought). So, not so best, but the girl's hatred of Keira Knightley may account for some of that not so best-ness. 

Ted (2012), dir. Seth MacFarlane, writ. Seth MacFarlane, Alec Sulkin, and Wellesley Wild

Pretty good for a first-time director used to television animation. It was funny and somewhat poignant, but it still felt like an extended episode of Family Guy. Ryan Reynolds does cameo as Patrick Warburton's boyfriend, and that was pretty funny (especially as it looked like Reynolds was only doing it because MacFarlane had blackmailed him into it). But I'm down with pretty much any reason to listen to Marky Mark's Boston accent. Wicked 'ard! 

This Means War (2012), dir. McG, writ. Timothy Dowling and Simon Kinberg

A romantic comedy starring two very handsome men: the new Captain Kirk and Bane. They play CIA partners and Reese Witherspoon is the girl they fight over, and so threaten their friendship. Kind of meh. I prefer my romantic comedies with a lot more comedy, though Chelsea Handler as the best friend is pretty funny. And let us not understate how handsome those guys are, because they are very handsome. 

Safe House (2012), dir. Daniel Espinosa, writ. David Guggenheim

Ryan Reynolds stars as a CIA safe house keeper in Cape Town, a job he finds completely boring, as he has had no house guest the entire year he's been there. Then, Denzel Washington shows up as a rogue CIA agent turning himself in, and the house gets breached, and there might be corrupt CIA agents trading information, and all kinds of shit goes down. A smarter than average stupid action movie. 

Savages (2012), dir. Oliver Stone, writ. Shane Salerno, Don Winslow, and Oliver Stone

I don't think Oliver Stone has done a good movie since Any Given Sunday, and even that wasn't super great. This features two potheads who have to fight for their pot business and their girl (yes, singular; Blake Lively bangs both of them, sometimes at the same time) against a Mexican drug cartel who want the secret to their success. Benicio Del Toro, John Travolta, and Salma Hayek also star, but it's not good, for reals. 

The Expendables 2 (2012), dir. Simon West, writ. Richard Wenk and Sylvester Stallone

This is probably my Resident Evil-type guilty pleasure. I have a lot of great memories watching stupid action movies with my dad growing up in the eighties and nineties, and so watching one with all the guys from those movies together? That is super awesome good. Let's be clear, though: this movie is so bad, it's actually good again, but you're gonna have to wade through some terrible acting, and some terrible writing (the Bruce Willis/Arnold Schwarzenegger scenes near the end are cringe inducing, but I still laughed). There's apparently going to be a third Expendables flick, and they're going to add Jackie Chan and Nicolas Cage to the mix, which ought to be awesome. 

The Five-Year Engagement (2012), dir. Nicholas Stoller, writ. Jason Segel and Nicholas Stoller

Another actually funny romantic comedy! Jason Segel is kind of my hero after that full frontal break-up scene at the beginning of Forgetting Sarah Marshall, so I will watch any movie he's in. Segel and his girlfriend Emily Blunt get engaged and attempt to get married for five years as crazy things keep popping up to delay them, including her sister's shotgun marriage to his best friend (Annie from Community and Andy from Parks and Recreation), a move to Michigan, the Lizard (Rhys Ifans as a professor), Segel's turn as a deer hunting mountain man, and stale donuts. When the wedding finally comes, it's one of the best movie weddings ever. 

Cleanskin (2012), dir. Hadi Hajaig, writ. Hadi Hajaig

A British movie about homegrown terrorism i.e. Muslim men born and raised in the UK who turn to extremism and then carry out acts of terrorism against their home country (the 7/7 bombers were such) i.e. "cleanskins." Sean Bean stars as the SAS officer hunting down a cell of "cleanskins" and (minor spoiler) he doesn't die at the end of the first act! Even though the subject matter seems kind of intelligent, this was still a stupid action movie, especially with the twist ending that seemed to imply that the West deserves to be terrorized.

And there you go, 25 movies in 5 days. Now, as promised, the top 5 from this weekend:

1. Wreck-It Ralph

2. Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy

3. Looper

4. The Grey

5. The Cabin in the Woods